The Secret to Quieting Children
by DeathbyKonami
Summary: With no babysitter to be had, it is up to Seras and Alucard to watch over a toddler while the others are away, problem? The child is inconsolable, and they need to find a way to stop the crying before this child drives them both up the wall. Rated T for Mild Language. One-Shot.


Seras never saw herself as the motherly type. Sure, she festered over her soldiers, scolded, and rewarded at times, but she never saw herself as the stay-at-home raise a child kind of mom.

Now as she banged her head against a wall, she was positive, even if she could have children, she wouldn't.

"MUM… MUM!"

Seras was in one the lounges of the Manor, and throwing a tantrum some distance away was an angry three-year-old. One of Integra's distant family members had come to visit out of the blue, bringing along with her, her young daughter, Amelia.

Originally the plan was to keep her and her master out of sight for the duration of the family members stay. However, when a babysitter was needed on short notice, and they couldn't just bring anyone to the manor for security purposes, it was left to poor Seras to watch over the small toddler. A toddler she was assured was an easy child, never threw fits, was such a nice, good, little child. She had never felt so lied to.

Within minutes of Integra and Anne's departure, the child had started crying, and despite Sera's best efforts the crying had escalated, to the point that the child was screaming at the top of her lungs for her mother.

"MUM… MUM. I WANT MY MUM!"

It didn't matter what she did, whether she sang or danced, the child continued to cry with escalating volume, to the point all Seras wanted to do was pull her hair out. So, instead she tried her best to block out the screaming, by coming up with ways to quiet the little tot.

" _I could hypnotize her… no that's not ethical_. _That's something Master would do, no doubt he would approve… well if I can't do that, I could bribe her."_

With new resolve, she sent her shadows to the kitchen, and after grabbing a considerable amount of wrapped chocolate, she put her plan into action.

"Hi Amelia, would you like some candy. If you stop crying, and sit down like a good girl I'll give you some chocolate."

" _Suits that ol'crow right. I'll give her the candy, she'll be quiet, and then her mum can deal with the upcoming sugar rush."_

The plan seemed hopeful at first. She stopped screaming, sniffling back tears as she reached for the first candy bar.

" _That's right, eat it up, be quiet, and let me have some peace."_

Then like all the best laid plans of mice and men, it blew up as she threw the chocolate on the ground, and continued her screaming tirade for her mother.

"NO, NO I WANT MY MUM. GIMME MY MUM."

With an exasperated sigh, Seras sat back on the couch, trying to think of when bribing with food had ever not worked on a child. It worked on all the children in the orphanage.

" _I could just lock her in here and have Pip watch her… No that's not right either. I can't just leave Pip to this menace, and dear god, when did I start to sound like Master. Locking children in rooms, what has the girl brought me to."_

It didn't help that it was mid-day, and she really wanted to sleep. The pitter patter of small feet and squeals of delight the day before had kept her up, and judging by the constrained monster rising out of the floor behind, neither had someone else.

Seras had to do a double take when her master arose. His hair was messier than usual, his complexion was surprisingly paler, and he was trying hard to keep his face neutral.

"Police girl, there are individuals who are still trying to sleep. Don't tell me your letting a child take your job of keeping me awake, in the years to come she may be as loud and annoying as you."

Seras huffed to herself, arms crossed and not amused. "Master, although I agree I can be loud, I doubt I have ever been this bad."

Alucard looked over to the toddler, she was jumping up and down, face red as a tomato, and was waving her hands up and down in his direction in a vain attempt at having him bring her mother back.

He looked on at the scene, had he not been sleep deprived he might have felt amusement, but as it stood he was in the same boat as Seras.

"Have you tried bribing her with sweets." In turn Seras pointed to the now squished chocolate bar, mashed into the expensive carpet. Seras felt a small twinge of guilt for whoever would have to clean it up, Alucard couldn't care less.

"Alright…. Have you tried hypnotizing her."

"No!" Seras stood facing him, hands on her hips like she would for her soldiers. The effect was a little different with them, with Alucard it was nothing more than an amusing display.

"Why not?"

"Because it's not right, you can't just use your powers on a poor, unsuspecting child."

Alucard looked as if he would disagree with that statement, but otherwise kept quiet, trying to think over the ranting and raving of a toddler hellbent to get their way.

"What did you do with your kids?"

"What?" The question took Alucard aback some, not having thought of his own children in ages.

"What did you used to do when they cried?" She stood there for a moment waiting for his answer, her agitation rising when he gave a small shrug of his shoulder.

"And that is supposed to mean what exactly."

"I wasn't there most of the time. I had a country to run, wars to win, leaders to vanquish. When I was at home I would either give them treats, or hand them off to their mother or a maid."

Seras stood stunned, she'd never really thought about her Master as a human really, she always thought of him as he was now. To think that in the hundreds of years he'd been alive this was still his go to method was a little astounding.

"Okay, what about past Hellsing heirs?"

"What of them?"

"Well, I'm sure in all your years here you've had to deal with at least a few toddlers. What did you do then?" Seras looked to be grasping at straws on what to do, and she would have thought between the two of them they could have come up with at least something better than bribery and mind tricks.

" _Oh God, I'm no better than him._ "

Leaning back on the doorway to the room, Alucard thought back to his experiences with children in the manor.

"I'd sit on the roof."

"Hmm."

"You heard me, I'd sit on the roof, or go out to the fields where their shrill cries could not reach me." Seras seemed to mull it over for a second before responding.

"Okay, in that case why not stay in your room, it is in the deepest part of the basement."

"Doesn't mean I can't still hear them. If I so choose I can hear anything in the house. The mice in the walls, the water in the pipes, your off tune singing on occasion."

"Hey," Seras cried out with both fist in balls at her side, "I'll have you know my singing is not out of key."  
" _and now that you mention it I'm putting a stop to my singing in the shower…. Or maybe I'll sing louder just to annoy him."_

"Then you must be deaf tone on top of loud. Tell me, have you ever wondered why the mice stay away from your end of the basement."

"Master!" She cried out, not missing the slight cringe he made at her exclamation. "Master, how is it that between the two of us, neither of us can come up with a safe, and sane idea."

Alucard gave a dry laugh, "Since when have I and sane been in the same sentence."

"… Good point." Was Sera's reply after a short pause.

She leaned against the wall next to Alucard, neither of them speaking for some time as they both delved off into their own heads for ideas.

"Seras." She lifted her head quickly at the sound of her actual name. "Yes, Master."

He paused for a second, if anything she believed it to be his own way of adding dramatic effect to whatever he said. His love for theatrics never ending.

"I may have a plan."

"What is it, Master."

"I believe it is the perfect solution."

"Yes, Yes! Master, tell me what is it?" She was standing in front of him by this point, jumping on the balls of her feet.

"I say we escape to the basement, we may still hear her but it will be quieter than this."

Seras started with a sputter, her face gaining color as she protested his latest idea.

"No Master, this is just as bad as hypnotizing her."

"I see no problem, just leave the Frenchman to look after her."

"OUI!" A disembodied voice sounded throughout the room, Pip's involvement was an obvious no. As was the toddler's, as she started screaming surprisingly louder after his voice filled the room.

With this, Seras threw her arms in the air, defeat evident on her features. "Alright, I give up Master, do you have any other idea, any at all."

Her hands came up to cover her face as she slid down the wall beside him, next covering her sensitive ears to the still-going-strong child. Alucard took a step away, before summoning his shadows, and going back down into the dark abyss he claimed.

Seras looked on shocked where he has stood. "I...I... I can't fucking believe this. Master, you left me... You left me with her."

With this she got up, grabbed a pillow from the lounge sofa, and screamed into the stuffed square.

"Now, when did screaming at helpless inanimate objects ever solve your problems, and let's not forget your language, such foul words said around such an impressionable mind."

She deadpanned over to his new location. Laying on the billiards table, legs dangling off while twirling his glasses in one hand, and a small silver object in his other.

"One, when have you ever cared about the corruption of young minds." To this he gave small smirk, his trade mark grin coming back in force. "And Two, what is in your hand."

He stopped twirling his glasses for a second, sitting up on the table he pointed the device at the child's feet, and pushed the button.

Amelia stopped her screaming, as on her foot a tiny red dot showed up. When she tried to grab it, it moved, and as she tried again it continued to move farther and farther, always out of her reach. Soon she started to giggle in delight, her new-found toy taking her mind far away from Mother's who were not there, blonde women with only one arm, voices with no bodies, and scary tall men with angry faces.

Seras was flabbergasted, out of all the things she tried, a laser was what eventually quieted her.

"How did you think of that?"

She came up to the table he had laid back on, leaning next to his lying form. He continued to lazily move his hand to keep the laser going.

"When my eldest son would cry, I would throw tiny pebbles around the room. He would run around trying to find what made the noise, and I would get peace and quiet after a long campaign."

They remained silent after that, both reveling in the silence, and the tiny laughs of a small little girl.

* * *

Hey Guys, Konami speaking. First and foremost thank you for reading. I got the idea for this after a similar situation happened with my young nieces.

My sister has come to live with us, and with her is her 3 and 2 year old daughters. She left to go run some business, and when both of them woke form their naps they were livid. Both of them were crying, and the three year old was screaming as loud as she could for us to bring her mother to her. We listened to this for hours, and then my dad pulled a laser out and pointed it at the youngest ones feet. All the crying stopped while they chased after a laser.

I could not believe that was what stopped their crying, we tried everything, and that was what worked.

Well, thank you for reading. Feel free to leave criticism, reply, and fav.


End file.
